Opening Session 

Nearly everyone who hosts addiction has lived and survived a painful childhood.  

From the outset I will use the collective terms of ‘us’, ‘our’ and ‘we’.  Although, as I write this, I am in my 18th year of recovery and freedom from alcohol, I very much feel ‘in the trenches’ with you as the reader.  My addict is still very present in my life but we work together in a more productive and harmonious way.  We get things done rather than run away from them.  What we resist persists, what we meet we defeat!  That addict ‘not enough’ energy is now focused into my recovery plan and my everyday endeavours.  Rather than disrupting, corrupting and compromising my sense of self it now supports me to grow and heal.  It helps me to move forward rather than anchoring me in chaos and overwhelm.  Today, I'm grateful for my addict energy and understanding of low self worth, as it keeps me grounded in humility. 

 

Humility is about being modest, humble, and having a realistic understanding of one’s strengths and weaknesses. It involves recognising that no one is superior to anyone else and being open to learning from others, regardless of their background or status. Humility is not about thinking less of yourself, it is about creating more space and time to simultaneously consider the needs and feelings of others.  Humility is ultimately about cultivating and demonstrating respect, empathy, and kindness towards the people around you.

 

To find a cure to any disease, we first need to notice the symptoms.  In the disease of cancer it is usually a lump, pain, tiredness and a lack of appetite amongst many other symptoms.  Although addiction is described in some circles as a disease, I see it more like a conditioning/programming in the form of being compelled to do certain things that we know cause harm to self and others.  On this basis we could see recovery as reconditioning the way we think and how we learn to make healthy choices.  You are not a bad person or broken, you have all the skills to emerge from the dark side of addiction. You simply need to reassemble what you have and put it in a new order to be able to manage life in a way that serves you and others positively.  

 

Addiction has its own internal complex symptoms and plays out differently in all of us when we engage with something obsessively and compulsively.  That is to say, we are compelled towards an unhealthy relationship with; drink, drugs, work, food, sex, people, and most importantly an unhealthy relationship with ourselves.  The unhealthy relationship with ourselves is fuelled by having obsessive and compulsive thoughts about acting out with the aforementioned.  

 

The purpose of the obsessive thoughts is our attempt to protect ourselves from hyper sensitivities (created from trauma) that have followed us from childhood into adulthood.  It's not what happened in childhood; it's how WE experienced it.  This is why children with very similar childhoods emerge as totally different adults.  Always remember that addiction isn't the problem; the problem is how we use the addiction to solve the problem.  The problem is mostly our inability to manage and regulate our thoughts, actions and emotions.  The foundation of addiction is low self worth.  This is due to being abused, unloved, mistreated and neglected as children.  We were unable to stop loving our caregivers so we stopped loving ourselves and there lies the root cause of low self worth. 

 

Understanding Trauma

 

Trauma can happen at any time of our lives.  It refers to the psychological, physical or emotional response to an event or a series of deeply distressing or painful events. I feel the main cause of addiction is trauma that showed up in our childhoods, so let's explore this for now.  There are two main categories that are often described as ‘Trauma with a big T and trauma with a little t.  

 

Typical examples of big T Trauma in childhood are: 

• A parent dying, abandoning us or being removed from the family home by social services. 

• Being bullied at school or at home in a physical or psychological manner. 

• Witnessing domestic abuse. 

• Having a major and/or life threatening illness. 

• Being involved in a natural disaster, house fire or car accident. 

• Sexual abuse; oftentimes a family member will be involved in this form of major trauma.  It can also be prone to being undisclosed, belittled or played down due to shame or fear of our perpetrators. 

 

The traumas listed above can have a long or even lifelong negative effect on how we trust others, how safe we feel and our general mental health. 

 

Here are some little t traumas that although seen as less overtly harmful, can still have long lasting psychological effects. 

 

• Parental divorce; as divorce is so consuming, it isn't always obvious or noticed how deeply children are affected.  A sense of security can be negatively impacted by the confusion and challenging emotions at this delicate time of a child's life. 

• Moving home: Frequent relocations or moving to a new school can cause feelings of isolation, loneliness, or anxiety about making new friends.

• Peer rejection: Being excluded or having trouble fitting in with classmates or friends, even in less severe forms, can affect a child’s self-esteem and social confidence. 

• Unrealistic expectations from parents: Having overly high expectations, whether in academia, behaviour, or achievement, can lead to stress and feelings of not being "good enough."

• Low academic performance: Struggling to meet expectations or feeling inadequate in school can lead to a sense of failure and affect self-worth.

• Disagreements or arguments within the family: Constant tension or conflict at home, even if not violent, can cause anxiety and insecurity. 

• Inconsistent caregiving: Having caregivers who are emotionally unavailable, or inconsistent in their responses, can create insecurity and confusion.

 

These experiences may not seem as extreme as "Big T" trauma, but they can still leave emotional scars that affect a child's development and emotional health later in life.

 

I think it's important to mention here that a trauma can be magnified if the victim reports to a caregiver or authority that fails to recognise, minimise or even not believe the report. Not being supported appropriately and empathetically by a parent or caregiver after a traumatic experience can sometimes be more traumatic than the actual event.

 

Addiction could be seen as a reaction to trauma that is usually embedded in childhood.  I prefer the term trauma-reaction over trauma-response, as this best suits a process that is fuelled by trauma.  People with addiction are prone to reacting rather than being response-able. If you move the 'c' 3 letters to the left, the reaCtor becomes a Creator.  This programme is designed to enable anyone with addiction to create a healthy and sustainable way of living without having to turn to addiction as a vain attempt to make life manageable and bearable.  I'm not a religious person but I do believe there is something God like out there. If this is the case, I also believe that God, being the great creator, made us in his own image as great creators also!  When we are doing anything creative, I trust we are nearest to our godlike self. 

 

If you can imagine our mind, body and soul like a house full of different rooms.  At the top of the house (in our minds) there is a bathroom with a big bath.  The space in the bath represents the void created by the pain and trauma we experienced in childhood.  We desperately want to be free of the sensitivities and to cleanse away our haunting memories.  Our caregivers didn't teach us how to run a bath to the correct level with good clean water at the right temperature (this could be seen as not being loved properly).  As a result, we obsessively and compulsively fill the bath with whatever is at hand; drink, drugs, sex, gambling, people, food or work.  Not only is this water dirty and makes us more unclean; we are compelled to stay in the bath, looking for a solution, but instead create more pain and suffering.  It's very uncomfortable as it's too hot or too cold (as we can't self regulate).  As we fill it obsessively, it overflows and damages other rooms in the house and spoils the contents.  The wiring short circuits and causes fires; this fire spreads to our neighbouring households (family, friends, our children and work colleagues).  Then we finally find the plug in all the murky water and the pipes are blocked with the sludge of addiction.  When it drains, we and the bath are left dirtier than when we first got in with all the loss, guilt and shame, so the process starts again.  Are you able to relate to this analogy? 

 

The only way that I am aware of to end this draining cycle is to learn to love and respect yourself on all levels. The opposite of low self worth is purpose and meaning.  As you explore what makes you feel purposeful and gives you meaning and step into that role, the desire to act out will diminish to zero and you will be free from self sabotage.  Recovery is NOT about making a huge step to stop acting out on things, it's a series of small steps based on self care, self love and self respect.  These small steps consist of; getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, therapy sessions, working on our relationships with self and others, good nutrition, meditating, and generally keeping life in balance.  Being honest and facing shame and guilt rather than hiding from it also denies the addictive cycles a place to hide and corrode us from the inside out.  Meeting, watching and processing our thoughts and feelings rather than ruminating, numbing, obsessing and creating chaos to act out on holds us in a healthy place.  Sobriety is the by-product of these small steps and will happen naturally, it is not a scary white knuckle ride. The addict voice within will try and convince us that sobriety is horrendous or we simply can't or won't do it.  This is not true, EVERYONE I have ever met in recovery without exception does not miss or wish to return to the dark and draining world of addiction.  Sobriety trumps dark addictive cycles on every level! 

 

This whole programme breaks down addiction into bite sized pieces so you can effectively observe where and how addiction plays out in you.  Each session is discussed in detail and this allows us to do some 'emotional mining'.  Looking deep into our life experience to find gems of solution.  This will support us to better manage the pain and curve balls that life delivers.  Addiction is an obsessive and compulsive energy force, which, if left to its own devices, will promise to cure but in actuality will systematically destroy its host.  Addiction is dysfunction and the opposite of dysfunction is structure. This programme offers the structure to manage addiction to recycle the obsessive energy into a positive direction. 

 

As we work through each stage of this recovery programme you'll be journaling your experience to attain a deep understanding and powerful connection with your essential sense of self.  If you are reading this now, there's a good chance this on the back of many years or even decades of addictive choices.  On this basis you won't be liking yourself very much right now.  As you progress into this programme, the self loathing will transcend into you becoming the most interesting book that you have ever read!  If you hit any walls between sessions, try to stay focused and reach out to your support network.  The addict within will actively try to isolate you, so keep an eye on this.  You will also have books to read and suggestions to be able to do ongoing work on a daily basis to manage any cravings and engage with self support. 

 

One of the common themes that run through people with addiction is that feeling that they don't fit, aren't enough or are less than.  It's like a gaping hole that we fill with substances and behaviours.  This is a temporary fix that drains away, leaving a bigger void than the one that was there in the first place.  My 25 years of addiction to alcohol, and 17 years of recovery and freedom from alcohol, has taught me one of my greatest life lessons:  The only way to fill this void and keep it filled is with self love, the unconditional love that we were deprived of as children.  As you progress into this programme, you will be offered all the tools you need to love, protect and respect yourself.  I look forward to accompanying you on this journey of self love through the written word. 

 

Principles of the Programme:

• What we resist persists, what we meet we defeat!

• Work with your addict energy to enhance your life. 

• You are not a bad person or broken, you have all the skills to emerge from the dark side of addiction.

• It's not what happened in your childhood; it's how YOU experienced it. 

• Humility is not about thinking less of yourself, it is about creating more space and time to simultaneously consider the needs and feelings of others. 

• Recovery is reconditioning the way we think and how we learn to make healthy choices. 

• Addiction isn't the problem; the problem is how we use the addiction to solve the problem.

• The problem is mostly our inability to manage and regulate our thoughts, actions and emotions.

• The foundation of addiction is low self worth.

• Trauma can have a long or even lifelong negative effect on how we trust others, how safe we feel and our general mental health. 

• We are all great creators.  Creation is your superpower! 

• The opposite of low self worth is purpose and meaning.

• The addict voice within will try and convince us that sobriety is horrendous or we simply can't or won't do it.  This is not true, EVERYONE I have ever met in recovery without exception does not miss or wish to return to the dark and draining world of addiction.

• Sobriety trumps dark addictive cycles on every level!

• Addiction is an obsessive and compulsive energy force, which, left to its own devices, will promise to cure but in actuality will systematically destroy its host.

• Addiction is dysfunction and the opposite of dysfunction is structure.

• Journaling is probably the best way to attain a deep  understanding and powerful connection with your essential sense of self.